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Sunday, October 19, 2003

Dilemma


Spoke to the X today. Last time I saw him he came to see me in New York. I tried to talk about what we were doing, where we are going. We have seen each other four times since we split, and every time we have slept together. after the last trip I had to Edinburgh, I thought maybe this is not such a good thing for us (ok, I know it's a definite, not a maybe, but it is very hard to make the break) so when he came to see me in New York, I said we couldn't go on like we have been. He panicked a bit I think, saying that he enjoyed his new life, had new friends and so on. I said I wasn't suggesting he change that. I think really what I was getting at is maybe we should think about making it official. However, all through our relationship I have always been the one making all the decisions. And me getting sick of that was part of the reason we split up. I stopped making the decisions, he couldn't cope. Anyway, I am digging in my heels, refusing to be the one to bring up the D word. Anyway, this conversation we had back in June, I said we couldn't go on like we were, sleeping together each time we met, it was holding us both back. He agreed. And that is where we left it (ok, that is where I left it, because he is waiting for me to actually do something).

Which brings me to my dilemma. He invited me up to see him one weekend. And I don't think he has really understood the 'We can't go on sleeping together now we are split up' conversation. It is made doubly hard because I am trying to move on - and have slept with other men - and I don't think he has slept with anyone else.

So what do I do? He has been my best friend for 16 years, and I don't want to lose that. But to go up and stay with him would be unfair. I am not so much of a bitch to sleep wth him while I have been sleeping with other people. But, I don't want to discuss divorce over the phone. God, what a mess.

And of course, I still have the constant "How is X" every single time I speak with my mother. So going up to see him will get her all excited. So if I do go, I will lie about where I am going, which will just lead to more lies and confusion. Oh god, what a mess!!!!!

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