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Saturday, January 10, 2004

Down, down, deeper and down


Not sure what is up with me today, but really not been myself. I am thinking about next week, and it is getting me down. I really don't know what I am going to do. I know what I should do. I know what I want to do. But if I am honest, I am not sure I can carry it through. And that is making me sad.

I spoke with X tonight on the phone. It was just like old times - we laughed lots. He did one thing which I know he doesn't do to anyone else - no-one else would really think it was that funny, but it was just one of our 'in' jokes. It made me laugh a lot. Then it made me sad. Because after next weekend I don't think we will ever be able to talk and laugh together like that.

And normally I am not worried what other people think of me, but I know there are some friends who really would be disappointed if I cave in. And stupid as it seems, I don't want to let them down. Funny - I am more concerned about letting them down than letting myself down.

I need a drink, but I am frightened to start, because I don't think I am going to be able to stop.

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